To the Department of Sociological Studies,
I'm submitting this preliminary report from my ongoing study of civic engagement patterns at the DMV. While I had intended to maintain purely observational status, circumstances have necessitated direct participation.
Current metrics indicate average wait times of 47 minutes, though my colleague Dr. Harrison's research suggests time dilation effects near government buildings (Harrison et al., 2023). This may explain why my watch has begun moving counterclockwise. Or maybe I'm just tired. I didn't get much sleep last night, to be honest.
Notable observations from my first hour:
The Illusion of Choice: The ticketing system presents three identical machines, each supposedly offering "optimized queue assignment." I selected Machine 2, which printed my ticket in triplicate, then consumed two copies for "administrative nutrition" (clerk's terminology, not mine). I wonder if the other machines would have done the same. Maybe I should have picked Machine 3.
Quantification Protocols: Citizens are being asked to complete form 27B-6, which includes such metrics as:
- Civic engagement quotient
- Bureaucratic tolerance threshold
- Dreams per fiscal quarter (I wonder if daydreams count?)
- Existential impact assessment (I'm not sure I want to know my score on this one)
System Anomalies: The clerk at Window 7 has processed exactly 47 people in the last hour, though only 12 individuals have entered the building. When questioned, she advised me to "divide by zero and carry the remainder of yesterday." I'm not sure if she was joking or if I'm missing some key piece of bureaucratic math.
[Note: My academic credentials appear to be dissolving into the margins of this report. Request guidance. Or coffee. Coffee would be great right about now.]
The woman beside me (Subject A: "Sharon") claims to have arrived last Tuesday, though security footage shows her materializing this morning through a filing cabinet. She offers tuna sandwiches to anyone who can recite their social security number in iambic pentameter. I'm tempted to try, but I skipped breakfast and I'm not sure my poetry skills are up to par.
Must conclude - my number is being called, though my ticket now displays symbols that resemble a cross between cuneiform and modern emoji. I hope that's a good sign.
Maintaining professional objectivity (I think),
Dr. Marcus Wells
Department of Sociological Studies
(Grant #: ∞-A247)
P.S. - The water fountain dispenses indexed citations. They taste like Chicago Manual of Style. I prefer APA, personally.
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